Forever Yours.
The day you died, the best part of me died too.
Photo Credit: Alyssa Duffey
My spouse may have died, but our relationship certainly didn’t. If you ever walk into my home, you will see pictures of my Rex all over. On the tables, the wall, the fridge, the window sills… everywhere. The beautiful urn that holds his ashes sits on the table by my bed with his picture beside it. You will also see a polished rock with a cross on it that he was given to carry in his pocket during his cancer journey. That rock was a gift to remind him that Christ is always with him and that he is never alone. I believe Nate Gautier sent it to him when we were in Houston, and he absolutely loved it.
I see Rex everywhere I look and often find myself talking to him. Does he hear me? I have no idea. I imagine he is busy worshiping our Father in Heaven. But there is something about having that one-sided conversation with him that soothes my soul in all of its brokenness. I hold on to everything I can to keep him alive in my life and still haven’t gotten used to the fact that he’s really gone. It’s like I’m watching someone else’s life from the mezzanine.
As I type this out, he has been gone exactly 210 days, 19 hours, and 49 minutes. It will be seven months tomorrow, the 6th. How can that be? How have I survived it? Some days it seems like just yesterday we were trying to decide which restaurant to go to in Houston for dinner. He loved food so much, and it was our one daily outing. I’ve realized food with him is what I loved so much, not necessarily the food itself. Nothing tastes that great without him sitting across the table from me. Most days, though, it feels like he’s been gone forever. I miss him more than any words could describe. I’m heading back to Florida tomorrow. August 8th is our anniversary, and I will need solitude and the comfort that only God and the coast bring me to get through it with a heart of gratitude. Seventeen years is what we should be celebrating, but instead, I will celebrate the incredible 16 years that God blessed us with as husband and wife. The love we shared is something a lot of people never find in this life. I will shed tears of grief but also tears of thankfulness to a God whose plans are always perfect. Even the plans that break our hearts into a million pieces.
One never really gets used to their best friend being gone. The bed where he once lay is now just a place to keep my Bible and Cheez-its close by. I reach for him, and he’s not there. I was never much of a snuggler, but he always asked me to at least let my foot touch his during the night. I find myself still doing that out of mere habit from doing it over the last 24 years—just another reminder of his absence. I sleep every night in one of his old t-shirts and with his favorite blanket that Shelia Smith gave him when we were in Houston. It is so soft, and he loved it so much. We always packed it for our inpatient stays at MD Anderson. I also sleep every night with the stuffed bear that was made from his favorite pair of pajamas. Maria Stilson made that for me, and it is one of my most cherished possessions (she made me two, but Kaylee has the other one). I would often lay my head on Rex’s stomach as we watched TV in bed. Now I lay my head on the bear's stomach when I watch TV, and then I hold onto it as I drift off to sleep. I’m sad that I haven’t been able to dream about him yet. Some say that may be a blessing in disguise. And I guess it could be if it’s a bad dream. But I do pray a good one will come along. Just to hug him once more… even if it is only in a dream.
Before leaving the hospice facility the evening he died, I took off his wedding band and put it on my ring finger. It was a little loose, but my other rings keep it securely in place. I also wear the "Faith, Not Fear” bracelet that Scott and Ashley Lipke gave him and the cross bracelet Jason Duffey sent him. Rex never took these off his wrist (except for showering and scans). Now, these rarely leave my wrist. I also wear his Harvard class ring every day on my right hand. I carry his wallet and phone with me all of the time. I keep his phone charged but on airplane mode most of the time. I haven’t been able to call it until recently. Somedays, I just want to hear his voice and will call it repeatedly. I doubt that I will ever discontinue the service. The thought of someone else having his number is not okay with me. It may sound odd, but all of these little things bring me immense comfort.
I spend much of my time watching sermons online or doing a YouTube Bible study. I’ve recently completed Revelation by Chuck Missler (thank you, Dondee Nations, for the introduction) and am now in Genesis. I have learned that keeping myself in God’s word is where I need to be. He has been there with me every step of this journey and has blessed me beyond measure. I am also spending a lot of time in Florida looking for a place to live. Rex and I always loved the beach, especially the Pensacola area, so Perdido Key feels a lot like home. But everything is on God’s time, not mine. He is teaching me to be patient.
I am also very excited to say I am spending my time working on a memorial project dedicated to Rex in Cape Girardeau. I can’t go into details yet, but I will share more information soon. Rex loved his hometown and the community so much and gave 100 percent of himself to it in leadership, development, and friendships. I want to have something beautiful in his honor that everyone can visit in remembrance of him. This project is my heart and soul! Please pray for God’s guidance and blessing over it as I am in the beginning stages. The website hosting this blog will be completed soon and will have all of the details regarding the project, so stay tuned for that. I will also transfer all of our previous CaringBridge posts and pictures to this website. It will be nice to have everything in one spot.
I have learned that I do much better when I have a project to focus on. I need to keep my mind busy and honor my husband. I always told him my ultimate goal was to be a Proverbs 31 wife, and that goal has not changed with his passing. He may be with Jesus, but I am still his wife and will love and honor him until I take my last breath. I don’t know what I did to deserve to share 24 years with a man so incredibly amazing, but I thank God for every second we had. And now, I will live my life with a heart of gratitude for those days and honor him the best way I know how every single day that still lies before me. I will never let him be forgotten.
